It's been a while since I was able to post a blog. Ever since I haD Smartbro disconnected for their seemingly slow connection and my loss of usability (which coincided with my monitor breaking down as well), I rarely go to blogsites or even friendster to update my profiles. It is only now that I have the time to stop and think and spill my thoughts.
My thoughts right now leads me to think about love, marriage, and the commitment that goes along with it. I'm having some issues right now with my marriage, and although I know that soon I'll be able to make peace with my husband, the thought of losing someone sent spills down my spine. I am not ready at all to end something as beautiful as marriage, albeit the fact that I got out a previous marriage. I know I have built this marriage not because of a necessity, but because I know this was built on trust, on friendship and of course, love. But of course marriage is never a guarantee that you'll be in an eternal bliss, but every couple can do something in order for a marriage to work.
I watched the movie Sex and the City, and I watched the portion wherein Miranda and Steve were undergoing marriage counseling to sort out their differences. Miranda asked how can she get assurance that Steve will never cheat again, and Steve also asked how can he be assured that Miranda will not punish him for the rest of his life. The marriage counselor mentioned that there is no guarantee, only the trust that they can place on each other (I hope I got the context correctly). It strucked me there, considering that I am facing the same predicament with Miranda.
I was hurt, betrayed, not because of a third party issue, but has something to do with family issues in conflict with my husband. I thought I forgave my husband for hurting my kids, but in reality I was crucifying him everytime the subject of the kids come up. I badger him to do something to alleviate the pain that he caused me and to my kids. In the process of doing it, I failed to see the efforts that he did to avoid confrontation, to stay away and keep a low profile, and the manner that he did in order to please me. I failed to see that he was trying to make up for the loss I felt.
I cannot deny the fact that I am truly hurt because of the trust and respect that somewhat was ebbed away with the incident my husband encountered with the kids. And I know it will take years for that pain to truly heal. Not to mention that I have to race against time to make amends with the kids. This is the stage that my kids are most malleable. They are like glass; you
have to mold them while they are in their soft state. Once they cool down, they are no longer malleable, therefore, when you strike them they will break. And I feel that my husband should do something about it in order to make peace with them.
However, because of this fear of losing, this fear that my family will no longer be the way it used to, I failed to appreciate that my husband is also hurting. I failed to see that the remorse my husband feels is genuine. I failed to see that he is also trying to keep me together, that he is my pillar at this trying times.
I am not justifying what he did. I still hurt about it. I am still in the struggle to fully forgive him for what he did. I still feel the loss and the pain way deep inside. But in order for us to move on, I need to stop crucifying him again and again. I need to stop blaming him for everything, because I realize I also had a hand in causing the conflict that he had with my kids.
He needs to do something as well. He needs to understand that when he married me, he also took in the responsibility of loving my kids as his own. He needs to understand that he came into their lives just recently, and that he should have started by building first the friendship with them. He should have started winning them first, before becoming the father that he can be with them. He also needs to understand that before you can impose on doing something according to what he wants, he must first understand what a person wants and tries to work his strategies on that person to win him/ her over.
I do not know what the future will bring us. But I hope that the trust is still there. I know that the respect is still there. It may have been tarnished, but we can always start from there. The relationship that we have is founded on friendship and trust. We can start from there.
I'm a hopeless romantic. This is something my husband knows, but I guess at the back of my mind I wish for him to do the things hopeless romantics do - gives me a single rose, slipping a note on my drawer, picking me up and drags me to a slow dance out of nowhere...Well, he is a romantic, but he does it his own way...even though it's not something I would want to or expect to. I am not expecting though, but, as Carrie Bradshaw says, sometimes you have to think with your emotions, not with your logic. Hopefully, he would let his heart lead him, and I hope his heart will lead him back to me, and win me all over again.
The only thing I hold on to is love. And I hope love would find us both together again.
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