What does it take to be a mom?
Do moms have be made of steel and yet be gentle as a lamb?
Do moms have to be strong on the inside but sweet on the outside?
Do moms have to have a heart that should be unbreakable, or easily repaired? Does it have to be made like Lego bricks so when it breaks down to pieces, you can assemble it easily?
It's so heard to be a mom. Sometimes I think that this is my time to pay for all the wrongdoings that I did to my mom. That's why I avoid talking to her. I guess at the back of my head I'm afraid that reality will hit me in the face and say, yeah, that's what you get for breaking your mom's heart.
But on the other side of the fence, I realize, that even though your heart has been hurt so many times and your being is crushed to the ground by the very seed you raised, the fact remains that you are still a mother. The fact remains that even though you are hurt and angry and you want to give up, the "mom" part in you would still draw breath and stand up and say, "I'm here. I ain't giving up. Let's do this one more time."
I love my kids. No matter what happens. I love them. And I will always will.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Sigh...
Another day... I had a tiring week. First, it was my son Yman's birthday. Then my friend's birthday. Then my mother-in-law's, then my son Louie's will be next...not to mention drinks on the side, plus tests and classes for my trainees, and then work...
Is it worth it? I guess so. One thing that you have to bear in mind is that whenever you feel like giving up, think of all the things that you accomplished so far. And then thank yourself and thank every opportunity that would come your way. So that's what keeps me going.
Just a quick thought about this one, while I finished uploading the photos I have taken during the week.
Sigh... but don't forget to smile. I do.
Is it worth it? I guess so. One thing that you have to bear in mind is that whenever you feel like giving up, think of all the things that you accomplished so far. And then thank yourself and thank every opportunity that would come your way. So that's what keeps me going.
Just a quick thought about this one, while I finished uploading the photos I have taken during the week.
Sigh... but don't forget to smile. I do.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hope Floats...and so can Love
It's been a while since I was able to post a blog. Ever since I haD Smartbro disconnected for their seemingly slow connection and my loss of usability (which coincided with my monitor breaking down as well), I rarely go to blogsites or even friendster to update my profiles. It is only now that I have the time to stop and think and spill my thoughts.
My thoughts right now leads me to think about love, marriage, and the commitment that goes along with it. I'm having some issues right now with my marriage, and although I know that soon I'll be able to make peace with my husband, the thought of losing someone sent spills down my spine. I am not ready at all to end something as beautiful as marriage, albeit the fact that I got out a previous marriage. I know I have built this marriage not because of a necessity, but because I know this was built on trust, on friendship and of course, love. But of course marriage is never a guarantee that you'll be in an eternal bliss, but every couple can do something in order for a marriage to work.
I watched the movie Sex and the City, and I watched the portion wherein Miranda and Steve were undergoing marriage counseling to sort out their differences. Miranda asked how can she get assurance that Steve will never cheat again, and Steve also asked how can he be assured that Miranda will not punish him for the rest of his life. The marriage counselor mentioned that there is no guarantee, only the trust that they can place on each other (I hope I got the context correctly). It strucked me there, considering that I am facing the same predicament with Miranda.
I was hurt, betrayed, not because of a third party issue, but has something to do with family issues in conflict with my husband. I thought I forgave my husband for hurting my kids, but in reality I was crucifying him everytime the subject of the kids come up. I badger him to do something to alleviate the pain that he caused me and to my kids. In the process of doing it, I failed to see the efforts that he did to avoid confrontation, to stay away and keep a low profile, and the manner that he did in order to please me. I failed to see that he was trying to make up for the loss I felt.
I cannot deny the fact that I am truly hurt because of the trust and respect that somewhat was ebbed away with the incident my husband encountered with the kids. And I know it will take years for that pain to truly heal. Not to mention that I have to race against time to make amends with the kids. This is the stage that my kids are most malleable. They are like glass; you
have to mold them while they are in their soft state. Once they cool down, they are no longer malleable, therefore, when you strike them they will break. And I feel that my husband should do something about it in order to make peace with them.
However, because of this fear of losing, this fear that my family will no longer be the way it used to, I failed to appreciate that my husband is also hurting. I failed to see that the remorse my husband feels is genuine. I failed to see that he is also trying to keep me together, that he is my pillar at this trying times.
I am not justifying what he did. I still hurt about it. I am still in the struggle to fully forgive him for what he did. I still feel the loss and the pain way deep inside. But in order for us to move on, I need to stop crucifying him again and again. I need to stop blaming him for everything, because I realize I also had a hand in causing the conflict that he had with my kids.
He needs to do something as well. He needs to understand that when he married me, he also took in the responsibility of loving my kids as his own. He needs to understand that he came into their lives just recently, and that he should have started by building first the friendship with them. He should have started winning them first, before becoming the father that he can be with them. He also needs to understand that before you can impose on doing something according to what he wants, he must first understand what a person wants and tries to work his strategies on that person to win him/ her over.
I do not know what the future will bring us. But I hope that the trust is still there. I know that the respect is still there. It may have been tarnished, but we can always start from there. The relationship that we have is founded on friendship and trust. We can start from there.
I'm a hopeless romantic. This is something my husband knows, but I guess at the back of my mind I wish for him to do the things hopeless romantics do - gives me a single rose, slipping a note on my drawer, picking me up and drags me to a slow dance out of nowhere...Well, he is a romantic, but he does it his own way...even though it's not something I would want to or expect to. I am not expecting though, but, as Carrie Bradshaw says, sometimes you have to think with your emotions, not with your logic. Hopefully, he would let his heart lead him, and I hope his heart will lead him back to me, and win me all over again.
The only thing I hold on to is love. And I hope love would find us both together again.
My thoughts right now leads me to think about love, marriage, and the commitment that goes along with it. I'm having some issues right now with my marriage, and although I know that soon I'll be able to make peace with my husband, the thought of losing someone sent spills down my spine. I am not ready at all to end something as beautiful as marriage, albeit the fact that I got out a previous marriage. I know I have built this marriage not because of a necessity, but because I know this was built on trust, on friendship and of course, love. But of course marriage is never a guarantee that you'll be in an eternal bliss, but every couple can do something in order for a marriage to work.
I watched the movie Sex and the City, and I watched the portion wherein Miranda and Steve were undergoing marriage counseling to sort out their differences. Miranda asked how can she get assurance that Steve will never cheat again, and Steve also asked how can he be assured that Miranda will not punish him for the rest of his life. The marriage counselor mentioned that there is no guarantee, only the trust that they can place on each other (I hope I got the context correctly). It strucked me there, considering that I am facing the same predicament with Miranda.
I was hurt, betrayed, not because of a third party issue, but has something to do with family issues in conflict with my husband. I thought I forgave my husband for hurting my kids, but in reality I was crucifying him everytime the subject of the kids come up. I badger him to do something to alleviate the pain that he caused me and to my kids. In the process of doing it, I failed to see the efforts that he did to avoid confrontation, to stay away and keep a low profile, and the manner that he did in order to please me. I failed to see that he was trying to make up for the loss I felt.
I cannot deny the fact that I am truly hurt because of the trust and respect that somewhat was ebbed away with the incident my husband encountered with the kids. And I know it will take years for that pain to truly heal. Not to mention that I have to race against time to make amends with the kids. This is the stage that my kids are most malleable. They are like glass; you
have to mold them while they are in their soft state. Once they cool down, they are no longer malleable, therefore, when you strike them they will break. And I feel that my husband should do something about it in order to make peace with them.
However, because of this fear of losing, this fear that my family will no longer be the way it used to, I failed to appreciate that my husband is also hurting. I failed to see that the remorse my husband feels is genuine. I failed to see that he is also trying to keep me together, that he is my pillar at this trying times.
I am not justifying what he did. I still hurt about it. I am still in the struggle to fully forgive him for what he did. I still feel the loss and the pain way deep inside. But in order for us to move on, I need to stop crucifying him again and again. I need to stop blaming him for everything, because I realize I also had a hand in causing the conflict that he had with my kids.
He needs to do something as well. He needs to understand that when he married me, he also took in the responsibility of loving my kids as his own. He needs to understand that he came into their lives just recently, and that he should have started by building first the friendship with them. He should have started winning them first, before becoming the father that he can be with them. He also needs to understand that before you can impose on doing something according to what he wants, he must first understand what a person wants and tries to work his strategies on that person to win him/ her over.
I do not know what the future will bring us. But I hope that the trust is still there. I know that the respect is still there. It may have been tarnished, but we can always start from there. The relationship that we have is founded on friendship and trust. We can start from there.
I'm a hopeless romantic. This is something my husband knows, but I guess at the back of my mind I wish for him to do the things hopeless romantics do - gives me a single rose, slipping a note on my drawer, picking me up and drags me to a slow dance out of nowhere...Well, he is a romantic, but he does it his own way...even though it's not something I would want to or expect to. I am not expecting though, but, as Carrie Bradshaw says, sometimes you have to think with your emotions, not with your logic. Hopefully, he would let his heart lead him, and I hope his heart will lead him back to me, and win me all over again.
The only thing I hold on to is love. And I hope love would find us both together again.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Thankful Mode
Thankful mode...
I guess that's one thing that I have to be in right now. With all the frustrations that I have been into, this is one thing that I have to be into for me to be happy.
How to be in a thankful mode? Let me count the things that I am thankful for...
... I am thankful that my PS2 and Sony DVD player was stolen because it means I can replace them with something new.
...I am thankful that I have an outstanding credit card bill because it means I have the capacity to pay them.
...I am thankful that my promotion came in late because I had more time to grow as a leader in the company.
...I am thankful that I am fat because it means I still have food at the table.
There are still a lot of so many things that I can be thankful for.
All I need is to start counting them.
I guess that's one thing that I have to be in right now. With all the frustrations that I have been into, this is one thing that I have to be into for me to be happy.
How to be in a thankful mode? Let me count the things that I am thankful for...
... I am thankful that my PS2 and Sony DVD player was stolen because it means I can replace them with something new.
...I am thankful that I have an outstanding credit card bill because it means I have the capacity to pay them.
...I am thankful that my promotion came in late because I had more time to grow as a leader in the company.
...I am thankful that I am fat because it means I still have food at the table.
There are still a lot of so many things that I can be thankful for.
All I need is to start counting them.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Beautiful Mayon
Last year, I visited Bicol not because I wanted to visit the famous Mayon Volcano, but because my husband will pay his respects to his late uncle, who passed away. Going to Bicol last year was nothing short of a vacation. It was more of sorting out confused feelings since at that time, my husband and I were in trying times. It was helpful, but not something that you can say you enjoyed your vacation.
Not this year.
We went to Bicol despite the fact that we only have 6k in our pockets. We booked a trip to Albay via Amihan Bus lines and went there on Tuesday, March 18. We arrived at 5am the following day.
Again, the gracious Auntie Beth and Uncle Ed were just too happy to take us in, not to mention giving us a hearty meal of the freshest fruits and fish. Our room had an overlooking view of Mayon, and you can see her splendor in the morning and grandest in high noon. By that time, the fog that surrounds Mayon was gone and the perfect cone that Mayon is proud of showed just the way you want it- perfect.
My hubby and I had liberty of going to the Cagsawa Ruins, where an old church was buried amidst the rocks and lava way back in the 1900s. The rocks are still there. Even the window openings of the church and dormitory stand still. I wonder if there are ghost stories that surrounds that place? Hmmm....
Our trip was not that spectacular, but the warmth of the people who welcomed us, the breeze that cooled our room and removed the need for even an electric fan, the meals that we had were just great!
I hope to see more of Bicol. My next stop would be Tiwi. And I really have to go back. I have to have those dried labahita I left with Aunt Fe at Oas. Hah!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
It's time to spill my thoughts!
Oh well...
It's been a while since I stopped blogging and now I have decided to start doing it again. There are some things that I prefer to post online than to leave it occupying my email space. And besides, what's the use of those lovely email messages if you won't share it to the world? Hahahahaha...
I realized that I don't have to spend ridiculous long hours of never-ending words that seemed to go around and around the topic but doesn't really make sense. So I'll keep it short and simple.
So there.
It's been a while since I stopped blogging and now I have decided to start doing it again. There are some things that I prefer to post online than to leave it occupying my email space. And besides, what's the use of those lovely email messages if you won't share it to the world? Hahahahaha...
I realized that I don't have to spend ridiculous long hours of never-ending words that seemed to go around and around the topic but doesn't really make sense. So I'll keep it short and simple.
So there.
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