Of Weddings, Baptisms and Relationships

It's such a long, long time since I posted here in my blog.

I understand that my blog traffic is not as heavy as other sites, but then again, I do not blog for the sake of others scrutinizing my insights about life, love and everything else in between. However, blogging, in one way or another, helps me spill my thoughts more spontaneously, rather than just rant it out on Facebook.

Anyways, 2011 marks a year full of celebrations - of weddings, of baptisms and what-have-yous. And it seemed to me that Cupid will find his way of making sure that couples get tangled up and babies are made out of it.

To start the year, I became one of the ninangs (godmothers) for my best friend's second daughter. It's a sealed covenant between the two of us, considering that she was the godmother of my daughter as well. It was a happy and tiring and stressful occasion. My best friend running to and fro from the reception area to the store and to approve last-minute decisions. Her partner, on the other hand, was busy doing his specialties (he was the official cook, after all) and screaming to everyone to hustle and bustle and make it on church on time. Nevertheless, the day ended with wine and beer and food all over the place, and I had to stop and drink my anti-migraine meds to keep my from swooning all the way home.

Next week I will be attending my cousin-in-law's wedding. I am now in the predicament of looking for a possible place where I can buy my son's coat for this special occasion. Incidentally, one of my former colleagues will be tying the knot as well on the same day. Good thing though, that I can skip this one (they haven't really invited me, so it doesn't hurt). They're the firsts in the long list of people getting married for 2011, and I don't want to get into the details of how they are going to prepare for it. Hmmm... somehow I'm having this nagging feeling that they are racing up against 2012. Shall I presume that at least before the world ends they have someone with them when they die? (That's stupid, and lame, and I suggest I stop from here. Sheesh..)

Two week from now I'll be celebrating my sixth year wedding anniversary. Now this struck a chord. Here I am, typing away my thoughts, and realizing...What did six years of marriage taught me?

Well for one, it lasted longer than my first marriage. (My first one was a huge flop, it was more expensive to have it annulled than hiring a mercenary to chop that freaking guy's off..oops, my evil self is resurfacing again!)

Second, it taught me to be more sensible....well, almost. I realized that I cannot always be in the high pedestal; that sometimes, I have to understand that I am part of a relationship and that my husband has his own needs and wants that I have to give way at one point or another; that this marriage is a "we" and not a "me".

Third, I realized that marriage is not the end or culmination of a beautiful courtship; it was actually the beginning of it. I realized that couples should not stop saying "I love you" to each after after saying their vows. Friendship between couples should be stronger at this point. After all, it will be a lifetime of acceptance to each others' flaws, mistakes, victories and triumphs.

Lastly, speaking of acceptance, marriage is based on it. They say that once you come to accept that he can fart beside you and you, albeit horrified at the putrid smell it brings, can just laugh it off and still kiss your partner, then it means you're ready to accept that person, inside and out. And even though your partner may not be the handsome Prince Charming as you imagine him to be, you just simply love him - for being him.

Some people spend their whole lifetime trying to change their partners for whatever they imagine them to be, only to be disappointed and end up in separation. In my six years of marriage, I realized that. So I did the opposite - I changed. I changed my perspective, I broadened my understanding, I became more positive in my outlook in life. And I guess it made some profound effect on him as well - he is now more patient and more sensitive to my needs. The marriage is far from perfect, believe me. We have our own episodes of quarrels, of quitting, of heated arguments. But one thing I know - marriage is never a guarantee of bliss. However, marriage can work if you always open yourself to communication and understanding. Seeking guidance together through God, parents, and good friends are always the best boosters for making the marriage work.

So, as I end this note, I anticipate my sixth year of friendship, of romance, of trials and of triumphs. And to my  soon-to-be married friends and soon-to-be moms as well, may this year bring a year of delightful and exciting things to come.

Cheers!

New Job, New Life

I lost my job.

I hate it so much that I lash out to all the people who were responsible for it, and I hate the people who aggravated it.

But the good thing about it, I realize who your true friends are, you recognize the best in people, and relish the thought that your loved ones care so much about you.

Now, as I look back, it doesn't hurt anymore --seeing that you're no longer part of a company that you loved so much, leaving some friends behind, and not having the privileges of getting the benefits anymore. But I was no longer hurting. Everything is all behind me now -- especially that I was able to find a new job.

It may not be as high-paying as what I used to have, but it has a lot of promises, and facilities that I am comfortable with.

And with the turn of events in my life right now, I know that life will be better again. :)

What does it take to be a mom?

What does it take to be a mom?

Do moms have be made of steel and yet be gentle as a lamb?

Do moms have to be strong on the inside but sweet on the outside?

Do moms have to have a heart that should be unbreakable, or easily repaired? Does it have to be made like Lego bricks so when it breaks down to pieces, you can assemble it easily?


It's so heard to be a mom. Sometimes I think that this is my time to pay for all the wrongdoings that I did to my mom. That's why I avoid talking to her. I guess at the back of my head I'm afraid that reality will hit me in the face and say, yeah, that's what you get for breaking your mom's heart.

But on the other side of the fence, I realize, that even though your heart has been hurt so many times and your being is crushed to the ground by the very seed you raised, the fact remains that you are still a mother. The fact remains that even though you are hurt and angry and you want to give up, the "mom" part in you would still draw breath and stand up and say, "I'm here. I ain't giving up. Let's do this one more time."

I love my kids. No matter what happens. I love them. And I will always will.

Sigh...

Another day... I had a tiring week. First, it was my son Yman's birthday. Then my friend's birthday. Then my mother-in-law's, then my son Louie's will be next...not to mention drinks on the side, plus tests and classes for my trainees, and then work...

Is it worth it? I guess so. One thing that you have to bear in mind is that whenever you feel like giving up, think of all the things that you accomplished so far. And then thank yourself and thank every opportunity that would come your way. So that's what keeps me going.

Just a quick thought about this one, while I finished uploading the photos I have taken during the week.

Sigh... but don't forget to smile. I do.

Hope Floats...and so can Love

It's been a while since I was able to post a blog. Ever since I haD Smartbro disconnected for their seemingly slow connection and my loss of usability (which coincided with my monitor breaking down as well), I rarely go to blogsites or even friendster to update my profiles. It is only now that I have the time to stop and think and spill my thoughts.

My thoughts right now leads me to think about love, marriage, and the commitment that goes along with it. I'm having some issues right now with my marriage, and although I know that soon I'll be able to make peace with my husband, the thought of losing someone sent spills down my spine. I am not ready at all to end something as beautiful as marriage, albeit the fact that I got out a previous marriage. I know I have built this marriage not because of a necessity, but because I know this was built on trust, on friendship and of course, love. But of course marriage is never a guarantee that you'll be in an eternal bliss, but every couple can do something in order for a marriage to work.

I watched the movie Sex and the City, and I watched the portion wherein Miranda and Steve were undergoing marriage counseling to sort out their differences. Miranda asked how can she get assurance that Steve will never cheat again, and Steve also asked how can he be assured that Miranda will not punish him for the rest of his life. The marriage counselor mentioned that there is no guarantee, only the trust that they can place on each other (I hope I got the context correctly). It strucked me there, considering that I am facing the same predicament with Miranda.

I was hurt, betrayed, not because of a third party issue, but has something to do with family issues in conflict with my husband. I thought I forgave my husband for hurting my kids, but in reality I was crucifying him everytime the subject of the kids come up. I badger him to do something to alleviate the pain that he caused me and to my kids. In the process of doing it, I failed to see the efforts that he did to avoid confrontation, to stay away and keep a low profile, and the manner that he did in order to please me. I failed to see that he was trying to make up for the loss I felt.

I cannot deny the fact that I am truly hurt because of the trust and respect that somewhat was ebbed away with the incident my husband encountered with the kids. And I know it will take years for that pain to truly heal. Not to mention that I have to race against time to make amends with the kids. This is the stage that my kids are most malleable. They are like glass; you
have to mold them while they are in their soft state. Once they cool down, they are no longer malleable, therefore, when you strike them they will break. And I feel that my husband should do something about it in order to make peace with them.

However, because of this fear of losing, this fear that my family will no longer be the way it used to, I failed to appreciate that my husband is also hurting. I failed to see that the remorse my husband feels is genuine. I failed to see that he is also trying to keep me together, that he is my pillar at this trying times.

I am not justifying what he did. I still hurt about it. I am still in the struggle to fully forgive him for what he did. I still feel the loss and the pain way deep inside. But in order for us to move on, I need to stop crucifying him again and again. I need to stop blaming him for everything, because I realize I also had a hand in causing the conflict that he had with my kids.

He needs to do something as well. He needs to understand that when he married me, he also took in the responsibility of loving my kids as his own. He needs to understand that he came into their lives just recently, and that he should have started by building first the friendship with them. He should have started winning them first, before becoming the father that he can be with them. He also needs to understand that before you can impose on doing something according to what he wants, he must first understand what a person wants and tries to work his strategies on that person to win him/ her over.

I do not know what the future will bring us. But I hope that the trust is still there. I know that the respect is still there. It may have been tarnished, but we can always start from there. The relationship that we have is founded on friendship and trust. We can start from there.

I'm a hopeless romantic. This is something my husband knows, but I guess at the back of my mind I wish for him to do the things hopeless romantics do - gives me a single rose, slipping a note on my drawer, picking me up and drags me to a slow dance out of nowhere...Well, he is a romantic, but he does it his own way...even though it's not something I would want to or expect to. I am not expecting though, but, as Carrie Bradshaw says, sometimes you have to think with your emotions, not with your logic. Hopefully, he would let his heart lead him, and I hope his heart will lead him back to me, and win me all over again.

The only thing I hold on to is love. And I hope love would find us both together again.

Thankful Mode

Thankful mode...

I guess that's one thing that I have to be in right now. With all the frustrations that I have been into, this is one thing that I have to be into for me to be happy.

How to be in a thankful mode? Let me count the things that I am thankful for...

... I am thankful that my PS2 and Sony DVD player was stolen because it means I can replace them with something new.

...I am thankful that I have an outstanding credit card bill because it means I have the capacity to pay them.

...I am thankful that my promotion came in late because I had more time to grow as a leader in the company.

...I am thankful that I am fat because it means I still have food at the table.

There are still a lot of so many things that I can be thankful for.

All I need is to start counting them.

Beautiful Mayon

Last year, I visited Bicol not because I wanted to visit the famous Mayon Volcano, but because my husband will pay his respects to his late uncle, who passed away. Going to Bicol last year was nothing short of a vacation. It was more of sorting out confused feelings since at that time, my husband and I were in trying times. It was helpful, but not something that you can say you enjoyed your vacation.

Not this year.

We went to Bicol despite the fact that we only have 6k in our pockets. We booked a trip to Albay via Amihan Bus lines and went there on Tuesday, March 18. We arrived at 5am the following day.

Again, the gracious Auntie Beth and Uncle Ed were just too happy to take us in, not to mention giving us a hearty meal of the freshest fruits and fish. Our room had an overlooking view of Mayon, and you can see her splendor in the morning and grandest in high noon. By that time, the fog that surrounds Mayon was gone and the perfect cone that Mayon is proud of showed just the way you want it- perfect.

My hubby and I had liberty of going to the Cagsawa Ruins, where an old church was buried amidst the rocks and lava way back in the 1900s. The rocks are still there. Even the window openings of the church and dormitory stand still. I wonder if there are ghost stories that surrounds that place? Hmmm....

Our trip was not that spectacular, but the warmth of the people who welcomed us, the breeze that cooled our room and removed the need for even an electric fan, the meals that we had were just great!

I hope to see more of Bicol. My next stop would be Tiwi. And I really have to go back. I have to have those dried labahita I left with Aunt Fe at Oas. Hah!